Let’s Eat

80 Days Alcohol Free

Blogging for 30 days seemed like a good idea at the time. Something to fill the hours when I used to drink. Ten days in, that idea got old quick.

Replacing Alcohol With Food

Alcohol was my crutch when stressed, bored, or when I needed to avoid my feelings.

I realised, early on, that it only made the stress worse. That made the stress drinking easy to knock on the head. Also I’d be mostly stressed at work – somewhere I would never drink. So, all I needed to do was make it through the evenings.

As for boredom. I replaced the alcohol with food. Thinking about it, at work I use food during stressful moments.

When it comes to feelings – just eat, its comforting when the feelings get too real.

All this to say. Food is the new/old crutch in my life. My ever expanding waistline is testament to that.

I’m working on it. Food is a harder one to tackle – its sort of key to keeping me alive. No doubt there will be more to come on my adventures in tackling my food crutch.

The Tipping Point – Happily Tipsy to Word Slurring Drunk

79 Days Alcohol Free

When the tipping point happens. The other person has gone from being happily tipsy to word slurring drunk. The aggression is creeping in. Snide comments. The atmosphere is getting toxic.

You know this is just going to get worse.

There is no real escape because they will creat an argument out of nothing and follow you around the house.

So, you sit in that toxic atmosphere waiting for the “blow up”.

I don’t want to tell others how to live. Its up to them if they drink or not. But I also don’t want to be in this sort of environment.

The stress and anxiety hit levels that just aren’t healthy.

I can’t control them and their actions. I can have honest and open conversations with them when they’re sober. But they are soon forgotten when the drinking starts again.

The action is on me. I just don’t know what to do about it yet.

Incoherent Connections – Message From The Universe

On the day I am writing this, I am 22 days sober. This week, more than any before it during my sobriety, I have been ground hogging like a champ. There has been a distinct lack of coherent thought and focus on achieving any goals.

The new lockdown, about to hit the UK, has hit my mood pretty hard.

The thought of working from home is the stuff of my nightmares. Hours spent on my own, looking at a screen, took me to a very dark place last time.

I was barely functioning and had daily thoughts of suicide. My drinking also hit its worst.

Hello Mark, Its The Universe Calling!

I don’t know if I believe that the universe sends us messages. But the last few weeks it seems like it has has something to tell me. It hasn’t been subtle, either.

I get the message…..human connection is vital to my wellbeing.

When I went back to work my mood lifted. It felt good to be around other people.

Getting back to a recognisable routine also helped. Having a reason to get dressed, commuting, face to face meetings. It all helped. Seeing people, not just hearing their disjointed voices on a Teams call, was a massive boost.

My Recent Reading List

Every book I’ve read recently has advised that connection is vital to living a good life.

Let’s Do This by Andy Ramage

Younger Next Year by Chris Crowley & Henry S. Lodge

Genius Foods by Max Lugavere

This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

Each one of these books has made it loud and clear, I NEED HUMAN CONNECTION!

The Problem

Thats all lovely and the universe can send me as many messages as it likes. But its ignoring one major problem.

I don’t like people. Don’t trust them. Don’t make friends easily. I am crap at maintaining the friendships I have had. The second someone lets me down its a big goodbye – ironic because I am usually the one doing the letting down.

Its all part of being an introvert.

It’s also part of being uncomfortable around people.

If I am going to get through this new lockdown sane, then it’s time to get out of my comfort zone. Time to make more connections. Time to stop being a dick head.

Before I turn my goals towards physical health and nutrition, connection must be my main focus. Its the one thing I have been terrible at all my life. The return to work demonstrated how much being around people helps my mental wellbeing. I need to remember that.