142 Days Alcohol Free
Fun fact – I’m a gobshite. I banter, do a good line in sarcasm. Its how I deal with stress, make the situation a joke. Mum always said when I was quiet things had become really bad. This last few weeks I’ve been getting quieter and quieter.
Stress has been the ruling factor for the last month. Let’s be honest the last year hasn’t been a joyride for anyone, but personally it seemed more focused this last month. Culminating in a pretty horrible week emotionally and mentally.
A build up of work pressure, working too many hours – including weekends. Not much of a break in a long time. Even during downtime it has been on my mind. I have been obsessing over it, in a very unhealthy way.
Mental exhaustion. Anxiety spikes and depression lows. Lashing out at others, due to frustration. Tiredness.
When your brain is looking for a permanent way out of a situation, thats a sign to stop. Carrying on leads to a potentially life ending decision.
Is that overly dramatic? Not in my experience.
I think in my post Choosing Stress I was trying to rationalise things. Trying to take back some control of the situation. In essence kid myself in to thinking I was in control still.
I finally took control in a different way. I took the day off work yesterday. Not strictly true, I did a couple of hours in the morning.
However, for the rest of the day I did nothing. I chucked my routine out the window – even the good stuff. Woke up naturally at 7.30am and not the usual 4.00am. Turned my phone off for a few hours (not as many as I’d have liked). Kept away from social media.
For one day I chilled out totally. I watched films all day. Listened to podcasts. Watched Minecraft videos.
The result has been like hitting a reset button.
This morning I appreciated the good things I do more. Work isn’t the predominant thought in my mind.
There are a multitude of things I could have done that were better for me than watching tv. But, to be honest, I just needed some escapism.
Exercise, meditation, journaling, eating my greens – all of that is part of the real world routine, that seemed to have become entangled with the real world stress. It all felt like hard work, when combined with all the other stuff. It felt good to put it to one side for a moment, it helped me appreciate it more this morning.
At one point yesterday, I realised that sofa surfing is not something I could do full time.
Firstly, I got a numb bum.
Secondly, why would I want to spend all my time watching fictional people lead fictional lives (I see you Steve and your ability to chop tress down with your hands).
There is a definite natural need to feel like I’m doing something useful.