I find your lack of faith disturbing – Darth Vader. That Meditation Blog Post

82 Days Alcohol Free

Lots of thoughts bubbling away in the old noggin today.

Oh, look New Years Eve. Should I write about how I don’t set resolutions – siting all the evidence that they don’t work? There are plenty of other blogs for that.

The one I like at the moment is the feeling of not being unique. That is actually comforting. Knowing I am not alone in the struggle to quit drinking, or the lack of control around food, or being a general emotional wreck.

Meditation

But the thought I am going to settle on is meditation.

I know it works. I know it brings a sense of calm to my brain. Sometimes it even feels like a natural high. So why the bloody hell am I not doing it more often?

Somewhere in a dark recess of my mind I believe its all woo woo, is one reason.

Also, sitting with my thoughts/feelings and not getting wrapped up in them feels alien. Its uncomfortable not giving in to what I’ve always done. But what I’ve always done isn’t working. Getting wrapped up in the negative thoughts, the worry, the anxiety etc hasn’t worked.

There is a fear that no longer being the person who worries unnecessarily will take a huge part of who I am away.

Meditation means changing who I am. Thats why I don’t do it more often.

But, like Luke did on Dagobah, I need to go in to my Cave of Evil and face what is there. Face who I am and change what is no longer working.

I Don’t Drink. I Will Never Drink Again – The Covid Blessing

81 Days Alcohol Free

Isn’t this grand? There is a lady, in the One Year No Beer Facebook group, who starts her posts with the following line:

I don’t drink. I will never drink again.

Claire from OYNB

I like that. It sums up where I am with drinking at the moment. Will this change? I don’t know. But I certainly feel like drinking is a part of my past. It doesn’t serve a need in my life anymore.

I do wonder if this Covid situation has made things easier. Words I never thought I’d type. I appreciate the following is the slimmest of silver linings, in what has been a terrible year for most of us.

Without Covid, I’d have been confronted with social situations. In the past, this is where I’d struggle. Just one pint. Or the constant questioning about not drinking.

Me not drinking seemed to cause a big fuss amongst others. Especially work colleagues.

I haven’t had to worry about any of that. The restrictions we’ve had have allowed me time to build a resilience. They’ve allowed me the time to mentally prepare and get my mind in to a place where I won’t cave to have “just one”.

Let’s Eat

80 Days Alcohol Free

Blogging for 30 days seemed like a good idea at the time. Something to fill the hours when I used to drink. Ten days in, that idea got old quick.

Replacing Alcohol With Food

Alcohol was my crutch when stressed, bored, or when I needed to avoid my feelings.

I realised, early on, that it only made the stress worse. That made the stress drinking easy to knock on the head. Also I’d be mostly stressed at work – somewhere I would never drink. So, all I needed to do was make it through the evenings.

As for boredom. I replaced the alcohol with food. Thinking about it, at work I use food during stressful moments.

When it comes to feelings – just eat, its comforting when the feelings get too real.

All this to say. Food is the new/old crutch in my life. My ever expanding waistline is testament to that.

I’m working on it. Food is a harder one to tackle – its sort of key to keeping me alive. No doubt there will be more to come on my adventures in tackling my food crutch.

The Tipping Point – Happily Tipsy to Word Slurring Drunk

79 Days Alcohol Free

When the tipping point happens. The other person has gone from being happily tipsy to word slurring drunk. The aggression is creeping in. Snide comments. The atmosphere is getting toxic.

You know this is just going to get worse.

There is no real escape because they will creat an argument out of nothing and follow you around the house.

So, you sit in that toxic atmosphere waiting for the “blow up”.

I don’t want to tell others how to live. Its up to them if they drink or not. But I also don’t want to be in this sort of environment.

The stress and anxiety hit levels that just aren’t healthy.

I can’t control them and their actions. I can have honest and open conversations with them when they’re sober. But they are soon forgotten when the drinking starts again.

The action is on me. I just don’t know what to do about it yet.

Do Or Do Not. There Is No Try (Spot The Yoda Theme)

Day 78 Alcohol Free

It’s silent and the dog is snoring. This makes me chuckle, not a bad start to the day.

The Yoda Bit

What follows is a bit of rambling, I think it makes sense. Let me know if I missed my point, or if my point isn’t obvious.

I’ve been doing a lot of trying. Trying this, trying that. Seeing what sticks. Thinking a whole lot, not just accepting at times I just need to stop and do.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

It’s easy to be the rolling stone, but I’d like to gather a bit of moss (knowledge, progress, learning). I can keep on moving on to the next thing, without really absorbing what I am doing right now. But that isn’t really productive. It’s a lot of energy wasted, with only snippets learned.

I think it is time to get out of my head and start doing. Do the damn thing for a period of time before I make my mind up on its success/failure, before I move on quickly without having learned.

With that in mind. Morning routine is locked in. I do my S.A.V.E.R.S. I do my Wim Hof Method exercises.

While I am doing those though, I am going to learn too. I want to get better at meditation/mindfulness. At the moment I am aware that I know next to nothing. Soundbite knowledge from several different books. I need to do some proper reading on the subject. Also learn as I do.

I also want to address my relationship with food. Currently working through The Kindness Method book and its various exercises. Again, doing and not just thinking/trying. Its a process, I just have to trust and keep doing it.

The Prosecco Aftermath

74 days alcohol free.

Alcohol Zombies

Sitting here a bit smug. Seeing the aftermath of the Prosecco drinking, so happy I didn’t drink any. It started with the fizz, then moved on to vodka. Yesterday, well, no one was much good for anything. Zombies have more life about them.

I won’t experiment with booze – some courses suggest doing so. I’d rather not. Seeing the effect it has on others is enough to make me realise I made the right choice.

There wasn’t the temptation to say “I told you so”, they were suffering enough. Plus, being like that helps no one.

Happy

On another note. I realised this morning I woke up genuinely happy. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. It took a moment or two to realise what the feeling was – the realisation that I’ve been a miserable bugger to so long did put a chink in the armour lol.

It’s more that subdued “yay” happy rather than the fireworks ecstatic happy. But I’ll take it.

Hangover Free Zone

73 days alcohol free.

The first Christmas drink was opened last night. A bottle of Prosecco.

I was surprised at how much this tested my resolve not to drink.

The OYNB course does prepare us for these occasions. It was a case of mentally dipping in to one of these lessons.

For me, it was imagining the hangover in the morning. Luckily Prosecco gives me an evil hangover, so this exercise was easy. It was very easy to imagine the banging headache the dry mouth etc. Once that was fixed in my brain, there was no way I was drinking.

But I do need to be more prepared. Go back over the lessons and find other ways for future tests.

Other than this one moment, I am totally in the Christmas mood. Looking forward to the break, I think most will agree 2020 has been exhausting. I wish everyone could get a break.

Even Murph Dogg is in the Christmas spirit.

The Book Worm Returns

72 days sober.

I’m a book worm again. I can’t consume them fast enough.

This is the biggest sign that I am coming back to who I used to be (however long ago that was).

Loving this.

Some Books Read During Sobriety:

Ready Player Two by Ernest Cline

Heaven’s River (Bobiverse: Book 4) by Dennis E. Taylor

Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins

The World’s Fittest Book by Ross Edgley

The Art of Resilience by Ross Edgley

This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray

The Oh Beep! Method

71 Days Sober.

During the week I post on the OYNB Facebook group, just random thoughts about how sober life is. It helps to be accountable. To hive mind problems and to get the feedback that I’m not alone – hopefully, some of the posts help others.

I thought I’d turn those daily thoughts in to blog posts – just mini posts.

Of course this is for purely selfish reasons. Christmas is coming up and I plan on staying sober. These mini posts will help give me another reason to, on top of the many I already have. You never know which plan b you need to help get through some situations – so the more the better.

This challenge started yesterday with the Murph Dogg Is A Mood post.

Back to Underpants & Socks

Today we have this gem (written on sober day 66). For context, I tend to write these thoughts at about 4am wearing just underpants and socks. Recently I introduced a dressing gown – it was getting cold.

I’ve decided to go back to underpants and socks for my morning writing attire.

It’s my version of the Wim Hof Method. The door is open for the dog, its cold. It’s waking me up. It reminds me of when I had no choice but to be cold – when I was in housing with no heating (somehow this was a thing in the first two houses I rented/owned). Which I never want to go back to on a permanent basis – it was miserable. Also, no one needs to see a fat man shiver. I’m linking that mentally to alcohol and how miserable it made me. I don’t want to experiment with the booze – so I am finding alcohol free alternatives (as it were).

Murph Dogg Is A Mood

70 days sober.

Only 4 more days at work, then a week off.

Feels like its been a long year. With everything that’s happened, even giving up alcohol hasn’t cut though the sheer exhaustion totally.

That week off is a chance to reset mentally.

For today, Murphy is summing up my energy best. Its going to be a good day, but may just take a little longer than normal to rise to it.

Cockapoo dog resting head on erm of sofa
Murph Dogg Energy Level 0

How are you all today? Still on it? Struggling? Have a rant – it really does help.